by Matt Werbach and Ben Werth
I do not answer the phone because I do not like to talk on the phone. I do not think I should have to explain myself when it comes to my desire not to speak into a small metal box about last week’s weather while unread books unwatched movies and unwritten work pile up beside my unwalked dog. I must have a phone, my wife tells me, in case of emergency. She is probably correct on this and many other things. No society has ever survived without constant radio contact and global positioning satellites.
I do not read your group emails your mass texts or anything that started with you clicking Reply All. I do not care to be included in group activities to which I did not willingly join. I have an email in the same way I have a cell phone or a home address. I must have these things to exist because in order to exist I must fill out forms and I cannot preselect the required fields. Do not take my lack of response personally. I do not comment on things which I did not read.
I am very bad at small talk, which I am told is a very important activity. Talking small may be the thread I am not seeing that stitches all of you together.
I do not read or listen to your unsolicited take or opinion on things. Yes just things in general. I have unfortunately already read all the news that will ever happen because for years I read the news and the only things that happen are things that happen over and over again in the same way with the same results. I no longer wish to receive news or opinion.
I unsubscribe from what you ate and Tuesday’s heat and the Spur’s quiet dominance and Johnny being Johnny and every form of commercial advertising or marketing that has ever existed and your wedding plans and what happened to you at work one time and what your parents are up to and how you have been feeling about your relationship with god.
Do not fear. There is an audience numbering in the billions for these things. I am certain you did not notice I was already gone.